The last few days Silas has worn himself out in his bouncer.
The first tome he conked out Josh got out the camera.
On Tuesday last week I woke up to see my baby on his tummy! I thought maybe it was a fluke, but after I fed him and put him back down for the rest of the night he did it again!
I haven't caught him rolling during tummy time yet, but I'm watching him lots to see if he'll prove me wrong!
He is scooting himself around though. He has been using his strong legs to kick and propel himself backwards. He isn't quite able to do it on him tummy though. All of his scooting has been on his back.
Silas is also slowly growing out of his 6 month clothes. There are several onesies and sleepers that are just too small. It seems like I just put away all of his 3 month outfits!
We decided to give rice cereal a try this morning! Silas was not too thrilled to be sitting in his high chair. He seemed a little nervous to be honest!
He was also not thrilled with the rice cereal!
Silas and mommy have been trying to get out of the house more often so that we don't become recluses!
Today we met up with friends Liz and Taelyn at the Rio Vista community park and went to the splash pad. Of course I forgot to bring my camera, but we had such a fun time! Taelyn walked cautiously through the puddles and occasionally was surprised by the random water features while I carried Silas around. He seemed to enjoy the misters and the shower heads the most. We sat in a few puddles, but the water was too unpredictable so Silas held on for dear life after being hoisted back on my shoulder.
After we splashed around and dried off we headed over to the play ground and Silas ate and fell asleep as Taelyn played on the slides and chased birds away from her lunch! Liz got to hold sleepy Silas while I pushed Taelyn on the swings. It was a fun morning, and both kiddos fell asleep as we headed for home. Hopefully we'll be able to do this more often!
Tonight Silas and I head over to the Glendale Library for PJ Story time. Maybe I'll remember to snap a few pictures while we are there!
Neither Josh or I can manage to get Silas to smile or coo on camera or video. As soon as he sees either he gets the most serious look on his face. Josh managed to trick Silas into thinking the camera was put away. You can't really see him, but you hear him!
Today we celebrate Daddy's birthday!
This was taken the same day as puppy kisses...
We say "hello" to Great Grandpa Dave and practice wiggling around to make the music come on.
Bouncer from Victoria Willingham on Vimeo.
Silas is getting so big! He no longer fits in most of his 3 month clothes and he isn't even 3 months yet!
We've taken some video of Silas over the last few days...
Here is a one of him snoring... I can't manage to get one of him cooing because as soon as he sees the camera he stops!
Snoring Silas from Victoria Willingham on Vimeo.
Puppy Kisses from Victoria Willingham on Vimeo.
Mema and Aunt Andi bought Silas a scull and cross bone outfit even before we knew he was a boy. They have been talking about getting pictures done ever since. Of course he didn't fit in it right away so we had to wait. He's getting so big and at 8 weeks he finally fit into so we took him down to a studio near by.
We started off in a bit of a bad mood, but after switching our session with another family and feeding him, he was much happier.
Mema and I ended up buying several poses. These are only a sample of what was taken. And don't worry there are plenty of copies to send to Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins!
I don't believe we bought any of this pose, but I love the yawning!
This pose was free and they finished the photo by having his face in black and white and the color present.
He wasn't very happy on the pillow so I got down with him and talked and made faces. Once again he became my happy boy. I love when he looks at me like this.
Note to grandparents: you get an 8x10 of this pose!
Silas is slowly loosing all of his dark hair....
He's got this funky friar tuck thing going on, but you can't see it from the front.
We have a sleeper! 
Our Silas is now 6 weeks old! 
I could kiss his squishy face all day!
He was not amused by the flash
His clothes are getting so small on him. He no longer fits in any of his newborn clothing, but his cloth diapers finally fit well enough that we are in cloth 24/7. He is starting to become a very chubby little guy and we absolutely love it!
Stretching out... one day we'll get the "hug" stretch on camera.
He has such serious faces and I wonder what he is possibly thinking about.
Zombie Baby! 
He still has such tiny feet, but such long toes!
And long fingers!
Pondering... such a deep thinker even in his sleep!
Happy 1st Father's Day Josh!
Josh was surprised with donuts and coffee and a pile of presents at 6:30 this morning!
He got photography themed gifts including a remote clicker...
A camera bag...
a reflector kit and some drop cloths for solid colored backgrounds.
Silas got lots of love from his daddy for his wonderful father's day gifts. It's no secret that I didn't have the birth I wanted.
I had it planned out in my mind. I knew what I wanted.
Josh and I had talked about the possibility of a home birth or a birthing center, but since there wasn't an operating birthing center in the Phoenix area and neither of us felt 100% comfortable with delivering at home we decided to use a certified nurse midwife at a local hospital.
I was worried about cesarean from the beginning. I knew that was the last thing I wanted. I didn't want to have to recover from surgery. In my mind having a c-section wasn't giving birth. I wanted to feel my child and experience pushing him out into the world. I had wanted to attempt to give birth without medication to help the pain because I wanted to trust my body to do what it was suppose to do. However I knew that I would be o.k. if I had to have the pain meds as long as I avoided pitocin and a cesarean. I wanted to go as long as I could without the pain meds.
In a way I feel cheated. I didn't have the labor I wanted. Instead I had inconsistent and painful contractions for weeks and a cervix that wouldn't budge. With the help and guidance of several midwives at the hospital we attempted to artificially soften my cervix. I didn't want to have pitocin so we attempted cervadil and that softened the cervix, but didn't really help in the long run. The next attempt was to use a folly catheter, which is the least invasive way to induce, and that worked. My cervix finally began to dilate. My water broke on its own and I thought for sure that my body would do its job. I was dilated at 3cm.
I was having strong contractions all night. Finally I gave in to the exhaustion and had stadol so I could sleep. After a few hours of sleep I was up walking, bouncing on the birthing ball, and moving positions, but my cervix still wouldn't dilate beyond 3cm. I was in so much pain and after talking with Josh and knowing how tired I was already and how much work was still ahead I agreed to have an epidural.
It was more painful then some of the contractions I was having and I called the anesthesiologist worse names than I've ever called another person. The relief that is was suppose to give me made me feel worse, not physically, but mentally. I couldn't feel my legs and the pain of the contractions anymore, but the pain I went through for it to me was not worth it and the guilt I felt for giving into my pain made me want to cry. At that point my water had been broken for 15 hours and I had been in the hospital for over 30 hours with very little sleep. Shortly after that I became so cold I was shaking and shivering.
I started running a temperature. There were several attempt to bring it down but it was well over 100 degrees and then Silas' heart rate jumped from 120 bpm to over 180. I still hadn't dilated beyond 3cm and now there was talk that my amniotic fluid could be infected causing the fever and the elevated heart rate. My midwife told me the safest option at that point for me and for the baby was a cesarean. My heart broke into a million pieces. It was the very thing I wanted to avoid.
Even with my husband, my parents, and my midwife assuring me that it was out of my hands and that it wasn't my fault I felt so guilty and angry and sad. I knew with this surgery that I would not get to birth my child and all my after birth plans would change.
I was not the first person to see and hold my son. I didn't get to cradle him against my chest, count his fingers and toes, or cherish those first moments after birth. Instead of basking in the glow of parenthood, with my husband, Josh had to leave my side to accompany Silas and I was stitched up and taken to recovery. Everyone in my family got to see my son and spend time with him before me. Instead of being taken to couplet care and nursing him he was placed in the nursery with an I.V. in his hand. One visitor at a time came to see me in recovery and showed me pictures and video, which just isn't the same. It was nearly 3 hours before I got to see him in person and 5 before I could hold him. He spent the first 48 hours in the nursery for anti-biotics.
While we were in the hospital we struggled with breast feeding. I knew there would be a chance that it would be a struggle because of the reduction. I knew it was possible that nothing would come at all. I was hopeful though. I saw three different lactation consultants and had three different sets of advice. By the third day I had to come to the realization that I would have to supplement and attempted to do so with a synthetic nursing system so he would stay on the breast. We had a plan and finally we were going to head home.
I thought that things would get better from there, but things just started to spiral. Two days after returning home my incision split open and became infected. A week and two days after that I was readmitted to the hospital because my uterus had become infected. Both of these things impact our breast feeding relationship greatly. Not long after that I developed and gave Silas thrush and I came down with mastitis. Plus at this point I was crying at the drop of a hat and felt like a failure through and through.
Even though I love Silas more than words can express and I have a healthy child in my arms I'm still struggling with his birth and month following with my own recovery. I'm unsure if I'll ever want to have another one given the situation, even though Dr. Porter and my midwife say that I could have a VBAC in the future. I'm so angry and sad and frustrated.
I love Silas and I love the relationship we're building together. I also love being a mommy and watching Silas grow and develop, but I also need to let my anger and frustrations out. Its not what I wanted and all I want to do is cry when I think about it. The only thing that I am happy about is having Silas and starting our family.
